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  • Marriage

    Do Not Have Sex or Go to Church this Valentine’s Day!

    February 13, 2015


    Here is my married couples’ guide to having the sizzling hottest Valentine’s weekend ever:

     

    FOR WIVES

    1. Raise your expectations roof-high. Expect roses, lots of them. Because nothing says “I love you” like adding $94.00 to your already maxed out line of credit. Swiping that Visa card will put him right in the mood! And if he dares try and go the cheap route and hands you a six dollar pot of tulips, push those pouty lips right out there and let him know what you expected. Pouty lips are not far from duck lips; he’ll think it’s sexy!

    2. Keep up those expectations. A heart-felt love letter penned inside a Hallmark card and a box of Harry & David chocolates is a must to accompany flowers for a complete Valentine’s Day. Because you know how much he loves to write. If that doesn’t put him in the mood to celebrate, what  will? Now, lest he forget, feel free to leave a subtle hint on his dashboard: “Card and chocolate would be nice.” Men love to be reminded.

    3. Expectations, expectations! Do not lower your standards for a minute! Make sure the happy, smiling mother-in-law arrives on time to keep the kids while you and Hubby keep your fine dining reservation.  Don’t fret over debt (see #1)—this will be the last thing on his mind as he pays that bill.

    4. Finally, whatever you do on Valentine’s Day, do not, I repeat do not have sex. This life-changing book clued me in to the realities of what can happen when you decide to “just do it” more often. First of all, this will greatly affect your man’s self esteem. It’s not just that he’s physically wired differently than you and therefore “needs” more sex; but his feeling of being loved and accepted is directly tied to sex in the same way your feeling of being loved and accepted is directly tied to verbal and physical affection. And we can’t have our men going to work all smiley and confident, now can we, ladies?

    Besides, studies show that sex reduces a man’s chance of having a heart attack. We wouldn’t want to add longevity to their lives, now would we? This is something to consider. But it could also have the opposite effect: imagine what might happen if your husband walked into your bedroom and found you slinking around in a negligee with candles lit everywhere. Or for that matter, skip the lingerie and imagine what might happen if you simply rolled over and said “Let’s make love.” Heart attack commence!

     

    FOR HUSBANDS

     All satire aside, some wives will not relate to what I’ve written above. Sadly, they wish their husbands had a clue about how to love them (which is very different from how to “have sex with them”). Christian husbands do well to remember the admonition of the apostle Paul (you know, the chauvinist bigot some women love to hate): “Husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies.” (Ephesians 5:28) You can’t spell it out any plainer than that, men. Listen, if you are not taking the time to love your wife and her body with the patience and tenderness of Jesus Christ and the way he loves his Bride the Church, don’t bother going to church this Sunday. I mean it. Hands that don’t love the wife should not be lifted in praise to the One who gave her to you. You’re better off staying in bed and showing her how a man worships God by loving his wife the way she needs it.

     

    image credit: https://img0.etsystatic.com/047/0/6173161/il_340x270.692788772_6hqb.jpg

     

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